A Family-less, unrequited love-filled, recession-ridden, Christmas.

I know what you’re thinking…this is hardly a topic for Juicy Blog. But I ask you to hear me out. My claim is this: A Family-less, unrequited love-filled, recession-ridden, Christmas is actually quite juicy.

Now, it has been awhile since my last entry, and I blame this to an extremely busy time for the company and sadly, a lack of juicy ideas in my life. The only really juicy thing I came up with is a different way to say numbers:

1 – wonizzle
2 – twizzle
3 – thrizzle
4 – frizzle
5 – fizzle
6 – sizzle
7 – sevizzle
8 – izzle
9 – nanizzle
10 – tizzle

My favorite numbers are: Sizzle twizzle (62) and nanizzle fizzle (95). However, as I thought about a way to market this idea, it dawned on my just how popular the old numbers are. I find it hard to believe that these new numbers would ever replace the old ones. So, I decided to just give it to the world for free, for us all to enjoy and wish they were in use but accept that they never would be.

As I was pondering my life and another juicy idea that would never pay off, I started to look at what I had to be thankful for during this Christmas season. That’s when I came up with the title for this entry. You see, while these things, individually, don’t seem great, when combined together are actually quite awesome. That’s right, if you are one of the lucky folks this Christmas to be facing all three of the above, congratulations! The trick is, these things only become awesome when combined together. Each one, admittedly, sucks. Even two sucks, as I will prove in a case by case basis. In each case, I will list the circumstances followed by a likely response from the hypothetical person facing the two issues.

Case 1 – A family less, unrequited love filled, but non-recession-ridden Christmas
I have no family, and no one to love yet I have all this money. Man, what good is all this money if you have no one to spend it on? What good is a career without a family or a loved one to celebrate with you? What a horrible Christmas.

Case 2 – A family less, recession-ridden Christmas, but non-unrequited love filled
I have no family, and no money, but at least I have a woman in my life! She’s great too! Man, I’m so lucky, I’m going to buy her the best present ever! Oh crap, I don’t have any money to buy her anything. Well, I hope I still have her after she gets nothing for Christmas.

Case 3 – An unrequited love-filled, recession-ridden, but non-family-less Christmas
I have no woman in my life, but I’m so thankful for my family. They are so great and are always there for me. I’m going to buy them all great gifts to show them how much they mean to me. Oops, I have no money. Crap! Well, I hope they are still there for me come Christmas day when they assume they mean nothing to me because I didn’t get them a single gift.

Can you imagine? How horrible any two of these three would be. But you see folks, I’m one of the lucky ones. My mom and step-dad moved to Kentucky, she won’t be here this Christmas, so I can simply wait until I see them to give them their gifts, hopefully the economy is in much better shape by then and they will assume that their lack of gifts from me is because I am not around.

I recently found out the girl I’m in love with is engaged to a dope (for the purposes of this entry “dope” will simply stand as a synonym for “not James”). Haha, jokes on her dope, who has to buy her a gift with no money. I can see it now, Christmas day comes and she hurries to the tree, excitedly, for a present from her dope. But, there’s nothing there! “Dope,” she says, “Don’t you love me?”

Dope responds, “Of course I do honey, but these are hard times, I couldn’t afford anything.”

“I understand Dope.” She walks away sadly, and thinks to herself, I didn’t want anything expensive or amazing. Just something that says Dope cares. James would have made sure I got a gift even if he had to make it himself. Man, why did I fall for such a big Dope. Breakup inevitably ensues, and James receives a call from her around 5pm Christmas day.

So there it is. I’ve hit the trifecta. What a juicy Christmas this will be for me. I don’t have to spend any money on presents, which is a good thing because no one seems to have money these days and by Christmas night, I’ll be in a relationship with the woman I love. Can you imagine anything better? Talk about juicy.

(Author’s note: For those of you who find my reasoning suspicious and my prediction of future events suspect, it should be noted that there is no reason to feel sorry for me. I have plenty of family around even though my mom and step-dad are in Kentucky and have plenty of money for gifts, so no real worries.)

I should be a multi bazilliongajooglinaire....welcome to Juicy Blog

When I was in my middle school days, my brother and I would visit our local pool pretty much every summer day. During this time, we participated in a plethora of pointless activities. However, there was one thing we did that, had I known, would have left me a retired 25 year old by now. Walking home, we would discuss random ideas we had. One of mine, would have made me a multi bazilliongajooglinaire.

It was a day like any other, we left the pool right before the swim practice started (stupid swim practice still makes me angry). Walking home I suggested how funny it would be if there was a movie about the life that ants or bugs had. Wouldn't it be funny if they had television shows, news reports, elections, etc. I bet you could make a really funny movie about that. A few years later....A Bug's life, Antz, and a Bee Movie have all made tons of money.

But James, people throw out ideas willy-nilly, you can't take credit for that movie idea. Fine, for the sake of argument, I'll agree. However, this was not my only bazilliongajooglin dollar idea. During my freshman year of high school, my friend Taylor and I decided we were going to use words that could adequately describe a set of circumstances but that were not normally used to describe such situations. Our first creation, "Juicy." How was the test? Juicy. How was class? Juicy. How was dinner? Juicy. What do you think of James' blog? Juicy Blog. Next thing I know, "Juicy" is all over clothing. Better than Ezra releases a hit song titled, you guessed it, "Juicy."

Okay, so I missed the boat twice. However, I'm encouraged. Let's take Victoria's Secret using "Pink" to describe clothing that is blue, red, green, etc. BRILLIANT. Now, the encouragement is not from another corporation stealing my idea to describe situations with words that don't "seemingly" make sense but rather from the use of ridiculous expressions. These ridiculous expressions are commonplace in my life. Case 1, my good friend Seth and I while golfing:

Scene: Seth hits a great t-shot leaving him a very nice 2nd shot.
Seth: That was a useful shot.
James: No Seth, that shot was disuseless.

Case 2, Seth and James discussing the need for a restroom.

James: I need to use the bathroom.
Seth: Have some speculating to do?

You see, the ideas just keep coming. Now, I'll certainly have to share my ridiculous fortune with Seth, since we are each other's inspiration, but that's okay. My guess is that once we hit it big, there will be more where that came from.

What the heck does that have to do with a blog? Well, I'm glad I asked. You see, I'm tired of telling people my brilliant ideas past tense. There is now a record of any brilliant ideas or thoughts I have BEFORE they become mainstream. This blog will be so filled with brilliant expressions, thoughts, and the like there is only one appropriate name for its ridiculously amazing content: Juicy Blog. So welcome to Juicy Blog folks.

Now, a "Juicy" blog would be a misleading name if I had not offered some juicy tidbit in my first entry. But alas readers, I already have. Bazilliongajooglin is not a real number. Until now. Just wait, in five years, everyone will use this word and when they do, you'll tell all your friends that it started here, on James' Juicy Blog. Goodnight all.